I have now been navigating this earth in the absence of my parents for what will be a year and a half in 2 days. I was going to say I've been parentless, but that's simply not the case. Because to be -less is to be without, and both of you have continued to make your presence evident in so many aspects of my life.
It's a never ending learning curve, and each day brings the opportunity for new revelations and realizations.
I will never stop missing either of you. Moments will still take my breath away and make me want to call you and tell you about them. I'll still remember little things about you and they will always sting, but they'll also always make me thankful that I got to know you so well that I couldn't possibly remember every facet about you all at once. They'll still come trickling back slowly, hitting me from out of nowhere in the strangest of moments and sometimes in the most unexpected of ways.
I've learned that you had the most profound and everlasting effect on people. Others still talk about you and they still miss you just as much as I do. And I love talking about you with them, because it keeps your memory and your spirit and the essence of who you were alive. Even people who never had a chance to meet you feel like they knew you. It's how I know I'm doing my part to tell people about you, always. Even if it's 409 times and even if they get sick of hearing how much someone reminds me of dad.
I've learned that if I just look closely enough and open my eyes to it, you keep sending me people who are catalysts of your never ending, never fading love for me and Nelson. Some of them have been here since before either of us were even a thought in your mind, some show back up just when we need them, and some are new to the book. Some of them are covered in fur, and some have literally lazered all of their fur off......
I've learned that some things will just never be the same without you in them. Holidays, birthdays, etc....but it doesn't mean I should rob myself of finding a new sense of enjoyment in them. Even if I have to search a little harder for those moments, I know they'll be there because you wouldn't have it any other way.
I've learned that it's the day after an anticipated "difficult" one that hits me the hardest. Once I think I'm in the clear is usually when the wave takes me down. But I'm always relieved once I can let it out and allow myself to feel it, because the build-up can be exhausting. The lessons I learned about myself and about allowing myself to feel the uncomfortable moments that are often filled with sadness are something I will forever cherish from the support group I attended.
I hope I never stop learning new things about myself in this journey that you both made possible by bringing me into this world and loving me through my first 28-30 years in it.
I love you and I miss you both.
PS- thanks for the sign I asked you to send me. I hope I make you proud in this next chapter.
