September 23rd, 2013.
The most defining day of my life so far. The images of that day will likely be with me forever.
I woke up that morning, knowing my time with you was now down to hours. Our wonderful hospice nurse, clad in pink pants and animal print clogs, showed up the night before after you'd been sleeping and unresponsive all day. The look on her face after she walked into the dining room where you slept after being called on her day off was all I needed to know that you were almost ready.
She gently checked you out from head to toe, noticing your purplish knees and labored breathing. Still, she talked to you sweetly as though you could hear every word. I hope you did, because I know you would appreciate how great they were to you and to our family.
The nurse pulled me and the 7 other family members who were there into the living room to explain to us what to expect from that point. She gently asked whether or not we wanted to know a timeline. We all agreed we did. "I would say 48 hours," she told us. My stomach dropped and I felt like I'd been punched square in the jaw. I looked around at my family, all with matching tear-filled eyes and mouths ajar like my own. She gave us the run-down, told us what would happen before, during and after. She told us she was glad we called her and she was glad she was the person on-call that evening.
What do you tell someone when you know you have probably have less than 48 hours with them? What had I forgotten to whisper in your ear over the last 27 years that I needed you to know?
So I told you I loved you. I told you I was serious about the paydays and M&Ms. I told you it was okay to let go when you needed to, because Neal and I would be okay. I told you I loved you again. I grabbed your hand, forgetting you wouldn't be grasping it back like you'd done all these months, up until just the day before. I kissed you on your cheek, your forehead, your nose. I traced your ear with my finger, then the outline of your face. Then, I went to bed. It was the last time I ever fell asleep and would be able to touch you and see you after I woke up, and not just be with you in my dreams.
I walked downstairs, took one look at you, and I knew. I knew you would let go that day. Your face was pale. You looked like you were already almost gone. The nurse arrived to bathe you, and thought even turning you on your side might be the end. When you were all cleaned up, she quietly told us "she will probably pass today." She tucked you under the "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always" picture blanket Neal and I had gotten you for Christmas.
People started trickling in. Your best friend Mary Ann has been by your side since you were kids. Aunt Threse came over, then Ally, then Cork. LA Wright brought food and stayed with us. We all took turns coming in and out of your room, loving on you and kissing your cheeks and head and whispering in your ear how much you mean to us.
I laid next to you in your bed and almost fell off. Then I thanked you for everything you've done for us; for being the best mom I could ever ask for. I thanked you for being there for me through everything, and I told you anything I ever accomplish in this life will be because you have loved me so much. I felt just like Celine Dion, only blonde and not Canadian, eh? I thanked you for giving me a brother to be there with me through this. I told you again how much I love you. I kissed you again. I told you I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I thanked you for being so strong and setting such a wonderful example for all of us. I told you I was happy you would get to be with Grandpa again; I know how much you've missed him after all those years apart. I told you we were going to party down for you, instead of having a traditional funeral, because you hated them. I told you I knew you would be there with us in spirit. I told you again how much I love you. I kissed you on your cold cheek. I studied your face; I got my eyebrows (or lack thereof) from you. I looked at your nose that you always thought was so big, and I thought about all those times we'd flare our nostrils at each other and you'd start laughing. I thought about the time you came home with a fake nose piercing and Neal freaked out about it because he thought it looked awful. I looked at the scar on the upper left side of your face from when you had fallen at the doctor's office just a few months before. I traced the place on your left cheek where your dimple would have been if you were smiling. God, were you beautiful...
The priest came to read you your last rights. Your whole family surrounded you, holding hands, sobbing, and reciting the "Our Father" in unison. It was probably the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. I leaned over to Courtney and told her the priest was noticeably attractive. I knew you've always appreciated the fine looking gentlemen. People went in and out of the room, but Aunt Threse, Allison, Courtney and I stayed in there with you. Then, Aunt Threse looked up at us and said she thought you would be going soon. Everyone came in the room. We watched your shallow breathing slow down. Just as you took your final breaths, I turned around to look out the window and noticed the sun peaking through the clouds. I know that was you. I know you felt us all around you, and I cannot think of a more peaceful way for you to have gone.
I will miss you every single day of my life. I will try so hard to live my life the way you would want me to. I will try to make decisions that would make you proud. Even though I miss you every second, I am strangely at peace knowing you are in a better place, and back to your old self.
I still feel you all around me. You sure have given us 3 beautiful days since you've been gone. I smile when I look at the blue sky and think about all the times you'd look up and say "the sky is the same color as your eyes." And although they may not be paydays or M&Ms, I've gotten the pennies and I love you, too.
