Since you've been gone, I've fallen in love with 2 cats, and I've fallen in love with a blonde haired, blue eyed...girl. (When you know, you know. But hey! Sometimes you're wrong!)
Life doesn't seem to be going quite the way I had envisioned it would, but then again, I guess it never really does. I also never would have envisioned losing you before you ever even got to prove to people that 60 is the new 30.
I can't believe as I have taken on these new adventures and discover new interests and loves that you're not here to share them with. I can't believe I don't get to call you and talk to you about my plans for the future, like I always did. You'd always listen enthusiastically, and I could hear in your voice, even over the phone, that you were wearing that token smile of yours.
I can't believe I don't get to hear you say that you love me no matter what; no matter who or what I fall in love with along the way, and no matter how the path may stray from my expectations. I can't believe you don't get to reassure me that all you've ever wanted for me is happiness, no matter what form it comes in.
I can't believe you don't get to see that glimmer in my eyes and that smile on my face that so many people keep noticing. The one that comes from genuine happiness, the kind you've always wished for me and for Neal. It's different than the smile that was painted on for the last year as I tried desperately to convince everyone, including myself, that I didn't hold a deep seeded hatred toward the whole world for somehow letting you leave it.
I can't believe you don't get to know her and love her, because I know you would have. And I can't believe she doesn't get to know you; that famous, outgoing, free-spirited mom of mine. Always my biggest fan, and the woman who gave me life in so many ways beyond just giving birth to me. You continued to pump life into my veins every single day by showing me unconditional love. Even on the days when I didn't deserve it, and even on the hopeless days when nothing was going my way and everything seemed to be falling apart. Even on those cold,
dreary winter days when I could barely drag myself out of bed, you found a way to give me hope. I never doubted things would be okay, because you were the one who told me so. Even when you got sick, you kept telling us you knew we were going to be okay. And somehow, despite the pain and the heartbreak and all the feelings that came with watching you fight your battle to the bitter end that are tucked so deep inside all of us, we are okay. Somehow, we've come across people with the same life-pumping ability you always had. They are priceless, and I'm not sure it was so much me who found her, or you who found her and sent her my way. Either way, she is an amazing kitten...oh, and Stormi's pretty great, too! (Just kidding, but see what I did there, guys?)
I don't know that I would have found myself here had it not been for the process of losing you and being reminded how short life is, and how precious the people are who have made it worth living. I don't know that my heart and mind would have been open to leaving no stone unturned, or that I would realize that maybe there's something to those people and creatures and things that make me happy in a world that has been filled with so much sadness.
She is the perfect half to my whole. I see pieces of you in her that I've been missing and that feel so much like home. The way her baby blues light up when she smiles, and the way she is there for me, unconditionally. She may not have been where I expected to end up, but she is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Oh, and Stormi's pretty great, too.
