I'm Already There

Last night, as I was getting in my car to leave work, I found myself missing you more than I do in a typical day. The last few weeks have provided unquestionable signs from you that have exposed the true colors of people you are likely trying to steer me away from, but also have reminded me of the support system I am so lucky to have. I find myself going through the motions and wanting to pick up the phone and call you, only to be punched in the stomach with the realization that this is no longer possible.

I looked up at the moon, flipped on the radio, and was reminded that you are always with me. The song "I'm Already There" came on, just at this line:

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there.

The lyrics alone would have been proof that you were with me at that very moment, but the song itself has meaning beyond that. I remember you telling me years ago that the song always struck a chord with you, because you wanted Neal and me to know that you were always with us, even when we were spending holidays or family vacations apart.

It's comforting that these memories that seemed to be so far in the back of my mind continue to resurface over time. It's nice to be reminded of healthier times, and that you have loved us so much all along. I've told people before that sometimes I wonder if you always knew your time with us would be limited, because it's almost like you were preparing us early on for these days without you. I will never question that you loved us with your whole entire heart, or that you were proud of us, because you told us and you showed us with everything that you had.

Thank you for being there with me last night, and always. I will keep my eyes and ears open to your signs, and I will never forget how much you love me.

...And you heard me and Neal correctly. We said "Diabetes."

"Those who are nurtured best survive best."

You took so many pieces of so many people's hearts with you the day you left us. This is the first time I've ever known what the the world is like without you, but I can only imagine how much better a place it is than before you were a part of it.

One of the things that meant the most to you in this world was the people around you, and the relationships you formed with them. While none of us will ever be the same without the pieces of our hearts that you carried with you, Neal and I are also so lucky that you left behind parts of you from all different stages and elements of your life, from your siblings and childhood best friend, to your wonderful friends that you made along the way up until the very end.

I've been thinking about you a lot as I examine my own relationships, and the company I've chosen to surround myself with. So many of them have surprised me in the best ways ever when I am reminded of how they love me, unconditionally for me, and only want what's best for me and to see me happy and content in a life that they know is so very difficult without you in it. I feel like every time I am shown this unconditional love, it is like a sign from you that even though you can't be there with me and for me through my successes and struggles, you are reminding me that I'm okay; I'm well taken care of, and even though you may not be able to fix my heart when it is broken or remind me of the things I deserve and the things that you want for me, you are watching over me and leading me to all the people who can.

You used to always tell me how much my own friendships and the way I've always tried so hard to maintain them was a quality of which you were envious. You never felt like you picked up the phone to call people enough, or stayed in touch enough, or made the effort that the people you loved so much deserved from you. I can tell you with great certainty that none of those people have any doubts today how much you loved them, so I don't think you ever gave yourself enough credit.

I feel you with me those mornings when I wake up and finally just allow the pain to wash over me and the tears to fall as they may. I feel you with me as I make it through my day with a sense of peace in my heart in knowing I am finally just taking it as it comes, one day at a time, and dealing with how much it hurts. In letting it all out when it reaches the surface, it has in turn allowed me to acknowledge it and then go on with my day; to focus on all the good things you are bringing into my life and all the lessons you are already teaching me, and to try not to fret too much on the bad and learn as much as I can from that as well.

I miss you and I love you. Thank you for watching over me.

But seriously, a payday or M&M every once in a while would be nice, too...a deal's a deal, after all.