Sometimes, I regain feeling in my body and temporarily leave behind the numbness that has set in over the past year from everything being too difficult to even process most of the time.
Sometimes, I want to kick and scream and cry and yell and just allow myself to be as pissed as this situation warrants. Sometimes, I want to stop subconsciously trying to hold it all together to be strong for my mom and my family and everyone that is waiting ever so patiently for me to let it fall apart. It's not for lack of caring, and it's not because I'm avoiding reality. I'll have years to be sad about it. But sometimes, acknowledging a crock of shit is simply unavoidable, as is using the Fuck-word. According to my mom's house rules, using profanity is perfectly acceptable and sometimes even necessary, as long as you never, ever use the phrase "shut up."
It fucking sucks that I'm 28 years old and have somehow convinced myself that it's perfectly normal to lose a parent before the age of 30.
It fucking sucks that my mom won't be here to watch all the future successes and failures that the rest of my life has in store for me. It sucks that she won't be there to mend my heart when it is broken or to tickle my back and not let me eat handfuls of M&Ms, because the only acceptable way to eat them is two at a time.
It fucking sucks that the last images I will have of my mom won't be the happy, healthy, vibrant woman she has been for 26 and a half years of my life. They will be images of confusion and sickness, loss of mobility and a weakened body that I've had to pick up off the ground and hold steady.
It fucking sucks that my brother has to be such an adult at 23 years old. It sucks that he has to make decisions and see and do things that no 23 year old should have to even think about. It fucking sucks that I can't protect him and I can't relate to what it's like to be that young and to be losing a parent.
It fucking sucks that there is no possible way on earth to thank my dad for everything he has done for us. It sucks that there are literally no words that exist to sum up the gratitude I feel toward the man that still loves his ex-wife enough to answer the same questions over and over again, to watch her decline and still be able to smile with her even though she has no idea what's going on, to change her and to hold her up when she's too weak to stand on her own.
It fucking sucks that over the past year, cancer has made my mother almost unrecognizable. It fucking sucks that more often than not, she looks right through me instead of at me.
It fucking sucks that my mom's understanding of what's going on in her brain and body is beyond the point that I can thank her for everything she's done to make me who I am. It sucks that I can't tell her in a way that she'll understand that the only fucking reason I will ever survive the rest of my life without her is because she made me strong enough to do so.
It fucking sucks that the one person I want to be able to run to and have fix everything is now unfixable.
Hey, remember that one time when I started this blog to remember all the things to be happy about and thankful for?
Fuck that. Not today.
4 comments:
xxxx
there are no words. u
A poem that I think your mom would have liked:
I'd like the memory of me
to be a happy one
I'd like to leave an after glow
of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways
of happy times & laughing times
& bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave
when this life is done
your mother never met me, but unknown to her, she gave me one of the best gifts I have ever received...thoughts and prayers are with you & your family.
A poem your mom might have liked:
I'd like the memory of me
to be a happy one
I'd like to leave an after glow
of smiles when life is done
I'd like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways
of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days
I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave
when this life is done
your mom never met me, and unknown to her, she gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life...thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
That does fucking suck. I am so sorry. How beautiful that your family is so close and loving.
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